The World's Biggest Bogey Read online

  Steve Hartley is a sensible man. He has a sensible job, a sensible family, lives in a sensible house and drives a sensible car. But underneath it all, he longs to be silly. There have been occasional forays into silliness: Steve has been a football mascot called Desmond Dragon, and has tasted World Record success himself – taking part in both a mass yodel and a mass yo-yo. But he wanted more, and so his alter ego – Danny Baker Record Breaker – was created. Steve lives in Lancashire with his wife and teenage daughter.

  You can find out more about Steve

  on his extremely silly website:

  www.stevehartley.net

  Also by Steve Hartley

  DANNY BAKER RECORD BREAKER

  The World’s Awesomest Air-Barf

  First published 2010 by Macmillan Children’s Books

  This electronic edition published 2010 by Macmillan Children’s Books

  a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited

  Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

  Basingstoke and Oxford

  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-0-330-52037-9 in Adobe Reader format

  ISBN 978-0-330-51983-0 in Adobe Digital Editions format

  ISBN 978-0-330-52038-6 in Mobipocket format

  Text copyright © Steve Hartley 2010

  Illustrations copyright © Kate Pankhurst 2010

  The right of Steve Hartley and Kate Pankhurst to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com to read more about all our books and to buy them. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events, and you can sign up for e-newsletters so that you’re always first to hear about our new releases

  Contents

  The Toxic Toes

  Bogey

  Nits

  Spot: on the Bot

  Pong

  What a Save!

  It’s All Over . . .

  Danny Baker – Record Breaker

  The Baffled Brain Boffins

  Wonderfluff

  Gobbledegook

  The Baffling Children

  Shock Tactics

  The Mighty Trump

  The Stars of the Show

  Danny Baker-Record Breaker

  Glossary of Danny Baker’s Gobbledegook

  For Rosie

  Three hundred and forty-seven megazigzillion thanks to:

  Connie, the Best Daughter in the World, whose love of records inspired the original idea.

  Natascha Biebow, Sara Grant and Sara O’Connor for having the Best Idea in the World when they put together the SCBWI Undiscovered Voices 2008 anthology.

  Finally to three women who all love Danny as much as I do:

  Sarah Manson, the Best Agent in the World, for knocking my writing into shape and expertly steering the Steve Hartley ship.

  Emma Young, the Best Editor in the World, for plunging so enthusiastically into Danny’s world of silliness.

  And most of all to my wife, Louise, the Best Critic in the World, for so many Ace ideas, and for telling me when I’m funny, but more importantly, when I’m not funny.

  This is entirely a work of fiction and any resemblance to the real world is purely coincidental.

  Bogey

  To the Manager

  The Great Big Book of World Records

  London

  Dear Sir

  I have been collecting bogeys from my nose for the last two years. I have stuck them all together to make one enormous bogey. It measures 5.3 cm in diameter and weighs 3.6 g. Here is a photograph of me holding the bogey. Is this a record?

  Yours faithfully

  Danny Baker

  (Aged nine and a bit)

  Dear Danny Baker

  Thank you for your letter about your big bogey. I am sorry to tell you that it is not a record.

  Ronald Ramsbottom of Rawtenstall, Lancashire, is the Individual Bogey world-record holder. He was the All-England Nose-picking Champion for thirteen straight years, from 1982 to 1994. Unfortunately, in 1995 he chopped off his right index finger trying to unblock a jammed electric pencil sharpener. Ronald entered the championship that year using his left index finger, but came ninth. He retired, and now picks his nose only for fun. His collected bogeys measured 47 cm in diameter, and weighed 2.51 kg.

  As a matter of interest, the biggest Team Bogey ever created was one that measured 5.1 m in diameter and weighed 3,198.7 kg. It took six years of continuous nose–picking by 467 boys from a school in Chichibu in Japan. On the day they decided to stop picking their noses, they invited their headmaster to add the final bogey. Tragically, just as he put his finger up his nose, a freak gust of wind started the ball rolling. The headmaster and fifteen of the boys were squashed to death. Thirty–one other pupils had to go to hospital. All of which goes to show that great care must be taken when attempting to break any world record.

  Best wishes

  Eric Bibby

  Keeper of the Records

  ‘Bad luck, Danny,’ said his best friend Matthew Mason. He handed the letter back to Danny and continued tying up the laces on his football boots. ‘Imagine being killed by a giant bogey. Gross.’

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Danny. He pulled his green goalkeeper’s shirt over his head and tucked it into his black shorts. He sighed and gazed dreamily into space. ‘I was going to have my bogey mounted on a wooden stand and present it to Penleydale Museum. They’d have put it in a small glass case with a sign saying THE WORLD’S BIGGEST BOGEY, PICKED BY DANNY BAKER, AGED NINE AND A BIT.’ Danny sighed again. ‘I’d have to pick my nose for years to make a bogey 47 centimetres in diameter.’

  ‘You could just carry on anyway until you get there,’ suggested Matthew.

  ‘No point now,’ grumbled Danny. ‘Natalie used the bogey to play fetch with next door’s dog and, instead of bringing it back, he ate it.’

  ‘Gross! I’m surprised your sister wanted to touch the bogey in the first place.’

  ‘She thought it was a rubber ball.’ Danny grinned. ‘She spent all afternoon washing her hands when she found out what it really was! Come on, let’s go and beat the Snickwell Alleycats.’

  With the studs on their boots clicking an upbeat rhythm on the floor, Danny’s team, the Coalclough Sparrows, walked out of the changing rooms to do just that, by four goals to nil.

  ‘Well done, Danny,’ said his dad when they got home from the game. ‘You haven’t let a goal in all season. If you carry on like this you’re going to be better than I was.’

  ‘I doubt it, Dad!’

  Danny looked around at the shelves and glass display cabinets crammed with medals, trophies and caps. The walls of his dad’s study were so full of photographs and certificates that Danny could barely see what colour the wall underneath was painted. Danny’s dad had been the Best Goalkeeper in the World Ever. He played more times for his country, won more medals, played in more games and let in fewer goals than anyone else had ever done in the history of football. He even had a Special Certificate from the Great Big Book of World Records.

  Danny read the certificate for the umpteenth time. ‘On
e day I’ll be the best in the world at something, Dad, just like you.’

  His dad smiled. ‘You’re the best in the world to me, Danny,’ he said.

  That’s not the same, thought Danny. He scratched his head vigorously. Time to try for my next record attempt.

  Nits

  Dear Mr Bibby

  Last night my mum found 109 head lice on my head. Is this a record? When they checked, my mum and dad had them too. And my sister Natalie discovered that she was simply crawling with nits! She wasn’t pleased, because she was just about to go to the school disco with her best friends Kaylie and Kylie.

  We managed to collect fifty-seven more head lice, making a total of 166.

  I have stuck them all on the bottom of this page as proof. Could this be a family record?

  I hope it is, because it might make Nats feel better to know that she didn’t miss the disco for nothing.

  And she might stop trying to pull my ears off every time she sees me.

  Yours sincerely

  Danny Baker

  Dear Danny Baker

  Thank you for the enquiry about your attempt on the Most Head–lice world record, which I’m sorry to tell you was unsuccessful.

  This record is held by Arthur Grimley, a hermit from Thornton Watlass in Yorkshire. He lived alone in a cave on the North Yorkshire Moors for forty–one years, and never washed in all that time. His hair and beard reached down to just above his knees. Whenever ramblers went near his cave, he used to shout rude words at them and jump up and down pulling faces. If this didn’t scare them away, he used to pull his pants down and show them his bottom. I imagine he had the dirtiest bottom in the world too, but as far as I know no one dared to check!

  One day, Arthur slipped on some ice outside his cave, and luckily was found soon after by some ramblers. He went to hospital and was washed and deloused. They counted 8,433 head lice, as well as 169 fleas. (This isn’t a record. The most fleas ever counted on one person is 17,325.)

  The record number of head lice ever collected from one family is 58,971. This record is held by the fifteen members of the Pickle family of West Virginia, USA.

  Bad luck once again. Perhaps you should buy your sister a present and say you are sorry. Or buy yourself a hat with earmuffs. Sisters are just no fun are they?

  Best wishes

  Eric Bibby

  Keeper of the Records

  Danny lay in bed that morning, reading Mr Bibby’s letter. He sighed with disappointment.

  ‘Danny!’ shouted his mum from downstairs. ‘Get up, now!’

  He got out of bed, yawned, stretched and scratched his tummy. He was wearing socks and trainers, and a pair of extremely grubby underpants. Danny had been wearing the same pants for six months, but so far his mum hadn’t realized, because he’d been putting a clean pair in the wash bin every day. He’d been doing the same with his socks.

  Natalie appeared at his open bedroom door and stared at him with a strange mixture of triumph and disgust on her face.

  ‘I’m telling Mum,’ she sneered. ‘Aw, don’t, Nat,’ begged Danny. ‘She’ll go ballistic.’

  ‘You’re revolting.’

  ‘I’m just trying to break a world record.’

  Natalie pulled a face. ‘Which one? The Dirtiest Underpants?’

  ‘No,’ replied Danny truthfully, although he realized that he could try for that record, if he didn’t break the one he was actually going for. ‘It’s a secret.’

  ‘Fine, don’t tell me then.’ Natalie smirked. ‘Mum!’

  Danny quickly pulled on his jeans. ‘I’ll tidy your bedroom,’ he offered desperately.

  Natalie considered this for a moment, but then yelled, ‘Mum!’ again.

  ‘I’ll ask Matthew to do your maths homework for the next two weeks.’

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘What do you want, Natalie?’ shouted Mum from downstairs. ‘I’ve got the vacuum cleaner in pieces on the living-room floor.’

  Danny pleaded with his eyes.

  ‘Have you seen –’ yelled Natalie. She grinned at her brother – ‘my hairbrush?’

  ‘No, I haven’t,’ answered Mum. ‘Your bedroom’s such a mess, I’m not surprised you’ve lost it.’

  ‘It’ll be tidy by tonight, don’t worry.’ Natalie glared menacingly at her brother. ‘Won’t it, Danny?’

  ‘I promise. I’ll do it after the game this afternoon.’

  ‘And I won’t have to do any maths homework for two weeks?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘OK then.’ She stuck her tongue out at him, and went downstairs.

  Danny sighed with relief and finished getting dressed. He picked up his football-kit bag and set off for school. The Coalclough Sparrows were going to play Crawshaw Cougars in the semi-final of the Penleydale Schools Cup.

  Danny had another great game in goal, and the Sparrows won two–nil.

  ‘We’re in the Final!’ cried Matthew, rubbing his hair dry with a large Walchester United towel. He and Danny were getting changed after the match. ‘It’s fantastic!’

  ‘Who do you think we’ll play?’ asked Danny. He hadn’t had a shower, and was already dressed.

  ‘It doesn’t matter. We’re playing so well, we can beat anybody.’ Matthew threw the towel into his bag. ‘Dan, why don’t you ever have a shower after a game? Are you trying to break another record?’

  ‘Yeah,’ answered Danny, ‘I’ve got a couple of things brewing actually. I didn’t realize breaking world records would be so difficult. My Head-lice record attempt didn’t even come close.’

  ‘So you’re the one who’s given everyone nits.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Danny smiled proudly. ‘It was me.’

  ‘What’s this new record you’re working on then?’

  ‘I’m going to try for the Spottiest Bum in the world. I’ve not washed my bum or changed my underpants now for nearly six months. That’s why I never have a shower after a game.’

  ‘Six months?’ gasped Matthew. ‘Gross!’

  ‘Yeah, it’s going really well – my bum is covered in spots. I’m going to have to count them soon and write to Mr Bibby at the Great Big Book of World Records, because it really hurts when I sit down.’

  ‘I’ll bet it does,’ said Matthew.

  ‘How are you going to count them?’

  Danny tried to look at his bottom over his shoulder, and then bent over to peer at it between his legs. ‘I’m not sure. Use a mirror, I suppose. No, wait – you’re ace at maths! Why don’t you count them for me?’

  ‘No way!’

  ‘That reminds me. Nat the Brat was going to snitch about my underpants. I promised you’d do her maths homework for the next two weeks if she kept her mouth shut. Will you?’

  Matthew rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, go on then. But I bet it’ll be the first time Nat the Numbskull ever gets ten out of ten for her maths homework.’

  ‘Thanks, Matt. By the way, I’m working on another record attempt too, just in case my spotty bum isn’t a world-beater.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m going for the Smelliest Feet record.’

  Matthew stared at Danny’s feet. ‘Cool. How are you going to do it?’

  ‘I’ve not changed my socks for six months.’

  ‘Double-gross! That’s a hundred and eighty days! I put on a clean pair every day!’

  Danny beamed. ‘I know – great, isn’t it! And for the last six weeks I’ve not taken my shoes off except to put my football boots on.’

  ‘Triple-gross! Not even at night, in bed?’ asked Matthew.

  ‘No,’ replied Danny. ‘If my mum finds out she’ll go mad. I sit toasting my toes in front of the fire as much as I can. The rest of the time I keep my feet wrapped in a blanket.’

  ‘They must be really sweaty by now,’ said Matthew. Danny could see he was impressed.

  ‘But not sweaty enough,’ said Danny. ‘When people can smell them with my shoes on, that’s when they’ll be ready.’

  Matthew leaned over Danny’s f
eet and sniffed.

  ‘Not yet,’ he said.

  ‘No, not yet,’ agreed Danny.

  Spot: on the Bot

  Dear Mr Bibby

  It’s me again. I have got 207 spots on my bottom. Is this a record? I’ve sent a photograph of my bottom as proof. My best friend, Matthew, who took the photo, says it’s the most awesome thing he’s ever seen. To get my bottom in this state, I didn’t take off my underpants for over six months. I would have gone on longer, but my underpants had turned green and there were five small mushrooms growing on them. I was going to donate my pants to the local museum, but when Mum found them, she said they were a health hazard and threw them in the bin.

  My bottom hurts and I can’t sit down. Please tell me I have broken the record.

  Yours sincerely

  Danny Baker

  PS My football team beat Whelley St Peter’s five–nil on Saturday. We’ve won the league! We’ve also got the Penleydale Cup Final coming up. I’m the goalkeeper.

  PPS My dad is Bobby Baker. He’s got a certificate from you, for being the Best Goalkeeper in the World Ever.

  Dear Danny

  207 spots on one bottom is a fantastic attempt. However, I’m afraid your bottom is not a world-beater. The Spottiest Bottom in the World belongs to Thelma McCurdie of Kissimmee, Florida, USA. On 4 December 1993, a doctor appointed by the Great Big Book of World Records counted 11,319 spots on her bottom. Thelma also holds the record for the Biggest Bottom in the world. She has a bottom that an elephant would be proud to own, measuring a humongous 622 cm in diameter. I have included a photograph so that you know what you are up against.