Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants Read online

  For Rosie

  Contents

  The Abominable Snowboys

  Drippy Noses

  Piggy Back

  The Abominable Snowboys

  Squished!

  Snow Wars

  Great Galloping Snowballs!

  Danny Baker Record Breaker

  Ants in His Pants

  Silly-billy-dillydally-bing-bang-bong

  Welly Wars

  Tickety-boo!

  Flea-bitten

  Mucky Pups

  Ants in His Pants

  Danny Baker Record Breaker

  Drippy Noses

  To the Keeper of the Records

  The Great Big Book of World Records

  London

  Dear Mr Bibby

  It’s freezing here in Penleydale. Even the icicles have got icicles! The snow’s taller than me in some places, and that means no school (Ace!), but also no football (Not Ace). My grandad knew it would happen. Three weeks ago a bee stung him on his knee and he came out with one of his sayings: ‘When winter bees nobble your knees, there’s bound to be a terrible freeze.’ He reckons it’ll last for ages.

  Anyway, I’ve decided to make the most of it. Yesterday, I grew an icicle on the end of my nose. My best friend Matthew kept dribbling water down my conk and, as it froze, the icicle got longer and longer. It was 9.35cm long before it fell off. I’ve sent a photo as proof. Is this the Longest Nose Icicle Ever?

  Best wishes

  Danny Baker

  PS It’s been a year since I broke my first record, and now I’ve got ten certificates on my bedroom wall, plus I helped my grandad win one too! Matthew’s been keeping track of all my attempts and, as well as getting ten world records. I also tried to break thirty-one others. Who knows, one day I might break a world record for trying to break world records!

  The Great Big Book

  of World Records

  London

  Dear Danny

  I’m as excited as you are about all this snow, because I’m looking forward to sending out lots of certificates for new snow-based records in the next few weeks. Hopefully one or two will go to you! However, it won’t be for the Nasal Icicle-dangling record. Your dangle was a good one, and just a drip or two short of the British record, but well short of the world record.

  The small, nomadic Mukpikluk tribe from the North Pole wear traditional icicle jewellery from their ears, nose, hair and fingers. In 1982, to celebrate her hundredth birthday, the Chief Tribal Elder Woman, Clotilda Littlefish, grew a nasal icicle that was 128.55 cm long. It was said that the beautiful tinkling music made by her wonderful icicle body-ornamentation would charm even the most ferocious of polar bears to sleep, and so keep the tribe safe.

  The world record for Mucus-enhanced Nasal Icicle Dangling is held by Vladimir Popov, of Tomsk in south-west Siberia. In the winter of 1996, the temperature in the city fell to a record low of -56 C. On the morning of 29 January Vladimir was waiting at his local station for a train that was delayed due to yaks on the line. He was suffering from a heavy cold and had an extremely runny nose. By the time his train arrived, five hours late, Vladimir had a slimy green icicle that reached from his nose to his feet, measuring 169.45 cm in length. Amazingly, it had frozen solid to the platform, and Vladimir was locked in place. By the time firemen had cut him free, he had missed the train.

  ‘Popov’s Pillar’ of mucus is now kept in cold storage during the short but warm Tomsk summers. Every winter it is taken out and placed on the platform, where it is used to display notices about the late arrival of trains and the dangers of not blowing your nose.

  Have lots of record-breaking fun in the snow, Danny!

  Best wishes

  Eric Bibby

  Keeper of the Records

  Danny stood by the kitchen door pulling on his wellington boots as he and Matthew got ready to go out into the snow. Mum sat at the kitchen table, feeding baby Joey with warm milk from a bottle. He snuffled and gulped it down noisily.

  ‘What have you two got planned for today?’ asked Mum.

  ‘We’re going to check out the Sports Centre,’ replied Danny. ‘Jimmy Sedgley said that Ryan Biggs’s sister’s friend’s auntie said the water in the pool is frozen solid. Jimmy said they’re going to open it up for ice skating!’

  ‘But the snow in town will be up to your belly-buttons!’ exclaimed Mum.

  ‘I’ve made us some snowshoes,’ said Matthew, holding up one of four old tennis rackets with straps and buckles stuck to the frames. ‘We just fix these to the bottom of our wellies, and our weight gets spread out so we don’t sink into the snow.’

  Just then, Danny’s big sister, Natalie, shuffled into the kitchen to get her breakfast.

  ‘I feel terrible,’ she grumbled, and blew a long noisy Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnk! into a handkerchief.

  Dad swallowed the mouthful of breakfast cereal he was chewing, and sniffed. ‘What’s that smell?’ he asked.

  Mum lifted Joey’s bottom up to her face and sniffed his nappy. She shook her head, then glanced at Danny’s feet. ‘Are you trying to break the world record for the stinkiest feet again?’

  ‘No, I’m not!’ protested Danny, sniffing the air in the kitchen. ‘Besides, when I tried to break that record, my feet smelt a bit like boiled cabbage and seaweed and eggs and cheese and drains all mixed together. This pong’s completely different. It’s more like cat pee …’

  ‘And mouldy potatoes,’ said Matt.

  ‘And sour milk …’ said Dad.

  ‘And the elephant house at Walchester Zoo,’ said Mum.

  Danny followed his nose around the kitchen to find out where the smell was coming from, and it led him straight to his sister. ‘It’s Natalie Snotalie! She’s the smell!’

  ‘I am not!’ she cried.

  ‘You are!’ said Mum, Dad and Matthew as they sniffed Natalie too.

  ‘You’ve got Skunk Flu!’ exclaimed Mum.

  ‘Nooooooo!’ wailed Natalie.

  ‘They said on the news that it was spreading north,’ said Dad. ‘We’ll have to let the doctor know and keep you indoors in case you give it to anyone else.’

  ‘You have all the luck, Nats,’ said Danny. ‘I’d have to go without a bath for months to get as whiffy as you!’

  As usual, Natalie made a grab to pull Danny’s ears off. She stopped when something caught her eye through the kitchen window as Dad opened the curtains.

  ‘Mum!’ she whined. ‘Tell him!’

  Mum and Dad followed her gaze into the back garden and began to laugh. There was a snowman family sitting on the wooden bench beneath the white-topped branches of the cherry tree.

  A big snow-Dad, with huge goalkeeper’s gloves, sat in the centre of the group.

  A smaller snow-Mum snuggled up to him, carrying a little snow-Joey.

  On one end of the bench was a snow-Danny, wearing a Walchester United scarf and a naughty grin made of stones.

  On the other end was a snow-Natalie, with something long and green dangling from her red tomato nose.

  ‘Who put those there, I wonder?’ asked Dad, grinning at the boys.

  Danny and Matthew shrugged and tried to look innocent.

  Natalie blew her nose again. ‘Mum! Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnk! Tell them!’

  ‘I’m telling you, boys,’ said Mum, spraying the kitchen with rose-scented air freshener. ‘There’s nowhere near enough gunge coming out of that snow-Natalie’s nose!’

  Piggy Back

  Dear Mr Bibby

  Guess what? My sister Natalie’s got Skunk Flu! She’s the first person in Penleydale to catch it. Word soon got round, and now everyone
’s been told not to go out for the next two weeks to stop it spreading.

  Nat had to go to the doctor today for tests, but the snow was so deep around the house that Dad couldn’t get the car out. Then I had an idea for a record attempt – Carrying a Sister Piggyback Through the Snow! I carried her to the doctor’s using my snowshoes. Later on, I carried her back home again. Matt measured the distance and, in total, I lugged her for 5.62 km.

  Natalie sneezed all over me twenty-seven times on the way there and thirty-one times on the way back. I ended up covered in Skunk-flu snot-droplets, but I don’t mind, because I want to catch it too! I’ve got a great plan. I’m going to offer to do jobs for her while she’s ill and smelly, and stick as close to her as I can for as long as I can. Matthew says that’ll be worse than having the flu! I don’t care – Nat might be the first to have it, but I bet I’ll be the stinkiest!

  Did I carry my sister for a record-breaking distance? If not, I’ll take her the long way round past the gasworks next time.

  Best wishes

  Danny Baker

  The Great Big Book

  of World Records

  London

  Dear Danny

  It was a great attempt at Snowbound-sister Carrying (Piggyback), but you’ll have to go on a very big detour to the doctors if you are going to beat the current record of 53.67 km, held by Ferris Rose of Jerry’s Nose, Newfoundland, Canada. His sister Doris didn’t know she was taking part in a record attempt either. She thought Ferris was taking her to the greengrocer’s to buy a turnip. She reportedly spent the last 10 km of the carry beating her brother over the head with her wooden leg.

  I should warn you that it is extremely difficult to catch Skunk Flu, but if you do, the symptoms can be nasty. There are three distinct phases to the illness:

  Phase 1: Explosive Sneezing and Pungent Body Odour (smelly sweat)

  Phase 2: Sonorous and Malodorous Belching (loud and smelly burps)

  Phase 3: Continuous Jaw Motion and Excessive Saliva Production (uncontrollable chinwagging and dribbling)

  Although there are world records to be broken for each Skunk Flu Phase, if I were you I’d wear a mask and stay well away from your sister!

  Best wishes

  Eric Bibby

  Keeper of the Records

  Danny and Matthew spent all morning making snowmen in the deserted school playground. They had raided the school’s overflowing big green wheelie bins and found an assortment of grubby items to add to their sculptures. They stood back to admire their work:

  A model of their headteacher, Mr ‘Beaky’ Rogers, waited by the school gates, a bright orange traffic-cone nose sticking out from his face, below two black, soggy-tea-bag eyes. Nearby, at the crossing outside school, Mr Flutey the lollipop man had been built, his snowy arm outstretched, holding a half-chewed tutti-frutti-flavoured lollipop in his hand.

  A sculpture of their teacher Mrs Woodcock filled the main entrance. Straggly, slimy spaghetti hair dangled from her enormous head, which was far too big to pass through the doors. Just around the corner, a snowy version of dinner lady Mrs Gommersall stood in the kitchen doorway, wearing a greasy-paper-bag chef’s hat and cooking up a battered old football boot in a rusty frying pan.

  ‘They’re better than the real thing!’ laughed Danny.

  ‘Someone’s coming!’ hissed Matthew. ‘It’s Creepy Cripps!’

  The boys scurried behind the wheelie bins. Scrunching footsteps came towards them and then stopped. They heard Mr Cripps’s familiar rasping cough as the caretaker studied the snowman of ‘Beaky’ Rogers. ‘Someone’ll be in trouble over this,’ he wheezed.

  Danny and Matthew waited quietly until Creepy Cripps had gone on his rounds, then they made a dash for the gates.

  ‘That was close,’ said Danny. ‘We’d get detention for a squigga-squillion years if he’d caught us!’

  The streets of Penleydale were empty. People had heeded the Skunk Flu Alert and were staying indoors. Great drifts of snow piled up against houses, smothering the roads and gardens. Huge flakes continued to swirl from the grey sky, adding to the thick white mantle. A strange, soft silence had settled over the valley, and the only sound was the scrunch of the boys’ tennis rackets plunging into the snow.

  Danny paused, staring along the deserted road. ‘You know, Matt, what this town needs is people – snowpeople.’

  Matthew glanced around to see if there was anyone looking. ‘The coast’s clear,’ he replied. ‘Let’s get digging.’

  Soon, snow-priest Father Paddy O’Hare sat on the low wall outside St Joseph’s Church, sharing a comic with snow-Reverend Dave Goodie, vicar of St Waldebert-in-the-Bottoms.

  ‘Hairy O’Hare isn’t hairy enough,’ said Danny, sticking short twigs in the snowman’s ears and up his nose.

  ‘And we forgot Mr Goodie’s buck-teeth,’ said Matthew, giving the Reverend a goofy grin made of orange peel.

  Danny and Matthew continued through town, leaving a trail of funny footprints in the smooth, untouched snow. All the shops were closed, and the High Street looked like a still, white river winding between them.

  Danny created a pair of feet sticking out of the mouth of the postbox on the corner, as though someone had fallen head-first into it.

  At the bus stop, they built a snowy Snow White and seven snow-Dwarfs queuing patiently, while across the road a giant snow-rabbit was escaping from the greengrocer’s shop carrying a huge snow-carrot. Danny dropped a small pile of round black pebbles under the animal’s bottom.

  ‘It’s what bunnies do,’ he said, grinning at Matthew.

  They were just adding the finishing touches to a model of a monster mouse chasing Pardon, the ferocious one-eared cat that lived in Gertie’s Gum and Gobstopper sweet shop, when they heard the tinkle of a bell as the shop door opened.

  The boys dived for cover in the doorway of the fish and chip shop nearby.

  They heard the voice of Gertie Gubbins. ‘When I find out who’s poking fun at my Pardon,’ she stormed, ‘they’ll be banned from my shop for good!’

  ‘We need to be careful,’ said Matthew. ‘We’ll cop for it if people find out it’s us making these snowmen.’

  ‘We need disguises,’ replied Danny. ‘And I know where I can get some.’ He gazed through the empty chip-shop window, and his tummy gurgled. ‘Let’s go home for tea. Call for me super-early tomorrow. I’ve got a plan!’

  As Danny opened the front door of his house, the pungent pong of Skunk Flu Stink slammed into his face. Dad stomped down the stairs wearing a white mask over his face, spraying the hall with ‘Fiery Jock’ his super-smelly footballers’ muscle-rub.

  ‘The air freshener’s not covering up Natalie’s pong,’ he explained. ‘I didn’t think anything could smell worse than your feet Danny, but Natalie’s managed it!’

  The Abominable Snowboys

  Overnight, there had been another heavy snowfall. Super-early the next morning, Matthew called at Danny’s house.

  ‘I raided Mum’s jumble-sale bags last night,’ said Danny as the boys crept up to his bedroom. ‘Look what I’ve made.’

  He opened the wardrobe door and showed Matthew a costume made up of Dad’s old cricket jumper and a pair of Mum’s stretchy white leggings.

  ‘This one’s yours,’ he said. ‘And here’s mine.’

  Danny held up another outfit. The upper half was one of Natalie’s white disco tops. It was covered in shiny circular sequins that glittered and sparkled like tiny slivers of ice. He had added a pair of Dad’s white track pants, with the legs rolled up.

  There were also threadbare white towels for capes, white bobble hats with eyeholes cut out for masks, and two pairs of silver gloves.

  ‘My Grandma Florrie’s bedsocks will cover up our wellies,’ said Danny as the boys put on their costumes over their ordinary clothes.

  ‘Just one more thing.’ He handed Matthew a pair of Dad’s baggy old off-white Y-fronts. ‘The best superheroes wear their underpants on the outside.’

&nb
sp; They gazed at themselves in the mirror.

  ‘Ace!’ said Danny. ‘Cool,’ agreed Matt. Danny swirled his tatty bath towel across his body. ‘With our Cloaks of Invisibility, no one will see us against the snow!’

  ‘Let’s go and make snowmen!’ laughed Matthew, pretending to fly towards the bedroom door.

  ‘Ace! I’ll have to be back before lunch though,’ said Danny. ‘I told Natalie I’d tidy her room and do her nails. It’s all part of my plan to catch Skunk Flu from her.’

  ‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Matthew. ‘I’ll do the tidying, you do the nails!’

  After a morning spent building more naughty snowmen, the boys sneaked back home. Danny hid their disguises at the back of his wardrobe and gave Matthew a paper flu mask before they entered Natalie’s toxic room.

  Matthew arranged Natalie’s CDs in alphabetical order and sorted all her shoes into pairs, while Danny carefully painted his sister’s fingernails with shiny pink varnish.

  She sneezed. ‘A … a … atishooooo!’

  Danny felt the little droplets of sneeze-juice shower his face. Ace! he thought, breathing deeply and filling his lungs with Natalie’s germs.

  ‘You’ve missed a bit,’ she sniffed, snatching a handkerchief from a box with her free hand, and blowing her nose. ‘Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!’

  Danny was just finishing the last fingernail when he heard a gurgling, burbling, slurping sound, like bath water being forced down a blocked drain. He looked up at Natalie. Her eyes were stretched wide in surprise and alarm, and her cheeks ballooned out as though she was blowing an invisible trumpet. Then her mouth gaped like a goldfish and she let out a window-rattling, ear-splitting, hair-raising, rotten-egg-whiffing burp, right in Danny’s face.

  ‘Mega Ace!’ he cried.

  ‘Mega Cool!’ agreed Matthew.

  ‘You’ve got Skunk Flu Phase Two!’ Danny told his sister. ‘How’s your chin?’

  ‘Why?’ replied Natalie, frowning with worry.

  ‘Because I can’t wait to see Phase Three!’

  Just then, Mum came into the bedroom, also wearing a mask. In one hand she held a copy of the Penleydale Clarion, and in the other, one of baby Joey’s particularly dirty, gooey nappies, which she waved in front of her.

  ‘I know this smells disgusting, but it’s a lot better than Natalie!’